Andre Greipel’s legs
I was massively disappointed that Anthony Delaplace didn’t get into the break today, but I was less disappointed that Mark Cavendish was beaten by everyone’s favourite wide-mouthed Germanic meat sack in the sprint.
You need only take one look at Andre Greipel’s legs to know that it’s right that he win races. When someone has made that much effort to deliberately create freakish anatomy, they deserve to be rewarded. Anything else would be a crime against physics and biology.
It’s not just muscle power that drives our man, however – it’s also fury. Not just any fury either – Greipel calls upon the God of Furious Pedalling and channels his power directly into those gargantuan thighs. His sprinting position is so aerodynamically crap he actually looks like he’s on a mountain bike, but you can overcome such trivialities if your ham legs are as broad as Africa and you fill them with rage.
Greipel wins. Take that, pedals!