What DIDN’T Lance Armstrong do

Lance Armstrong is not a bad guy. He really isn’t. How do we know this? Because he never called Betsy Andreu fat.

“I did call her crazy and I did call her a bitch, but I didn’t call her fat.”

Betsy Andreu is really thin, so the only reason anyone would call her fat would be if they were a really bad person. Armstrong didn’t call her fat, so therefore he isn’t a bad person.

But that’s not all Lance didn’t do. Look at all these other ways in which he’s not a bad guy because of things he didn’t do.

He may have taken EPO and engaged in blood doping, but he never had a Wacky Races-style bike constructed with all sorts of gadgetry designed to take out his rivals.

He may have bullied anyone who spoke out against him and launched countless intimidatory law suits, but he never threw a tin of ragu at Marti Pellow from Wet Wet Wet.

He may have cheated his way to seven Tour de France victories, but he never stole Ben Kingsley’s passport, replacing the photo with one of himself on the log flume at Alton Towers before putting the passport back in the hope that this deviousness would only become apparent when the actor next travelled.

You can say what you like about Lance Armstrong, but there are plenty of things he didn’t do.